The worst was probably when I got trapped on board a plane in Madison, sitting on the tarmac, knowing I was missing the last flight to New Orleans for Mardi Gras for the next four days, and then having to fly to Chicago anyways. It was hell. It was so bad that The Capital Times, our local newspaper, even ran a feature story on it. After that trip, I vowed to avoid flying through O'Hare at all costs. On one of our next trips--via Midway--we got stuck for a day in Atlanta when some light stopped working in the cockpit. Ross finagled a few thousand frequent flier miles for that one. Then on another one, I got bumped three times in a row as I tried to make my connection in Dallas to Las Vegas. At least I got a free flight voucher out of that one.
This weekend, as I tried to get out to the Bay Area for an annual roommate reunion, was no different. My crack-of-dawn flight arrived at MSP, the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, right on schedule. I sleepily lumbered over to the next concourse to catch my flight to San Francisco, sat down for what I thought would be fifteen minutes, and then discovered that, in fact, the fog and rain would keep us delayed for a few hours. There went my sushi lunch, my pre-lunch nap on the plane, and my arrival shower. Ugh.
What did I get for this delay? Nothing. It was just weather, after all. (At least, though, this was real weather, not the made-up bad weather O'Hare peddles as a way to get itself out of trouble for endless delayed flights. Once they wouldn't let our flight take off for bad weather in the immediate region. It was sixty-five and sunny, from Chicago to Kansas.)
Well, I didn't exactly get nothing. I did get these amazing pictures of the Segway-riding airport cops in the airport. Yep: The MSP police ride around the airport on Segways. I was dying (although my delirious laughter may have also been caused by sleep deprivation). And yes, I know the picture's blurry. But I didn't want to use the flash, lest the cop think I was mocking his Segway riding and arrest me. So blurry it is. But you can still make him out, riding off into the sunrise.
I discovered on this trip, however, that my growing disdain for airports and flying is not merely due to the fact that my flying karma is bad. (Or even to the fact that I'm a terrible packer, which means that schlepping miles around the airport with my five-thousad-pound carry-on is hellish. And this, by the way, takes guts to admit. I always prided myself on being this phenomenally economical, space-saving packer. That was a lie. I was deluded. My carry-ons are bursting at the seams, and I always end up wearing/using one-third of what I've packed.) No, my disdain is neither circumstantial nor personal. Nope. My disdain stems from the fact that most people behave like MORONS at the airport.
In my three hours of sitting outside gate C12 in MSP, I saw one mom let her three-year-old son run away from her (And by let, I really do mean allow: She said, "Go ahead. Run away if you want," and he did), and then she complained loudly that she couldn't chase him in her stiletto heels. I saw a group of hung-over teenagers lay down in the middle of the walkway in the terminal. Not near seats, not off to the sides. Nope: They sat down, then napped, in the middle of the flow of traffic in the terminal. And there are the people who get onto the moving walkway and stand, right on top of the big word on the right side: "Walk Right." Then there's the whole cops-on-Segways thing. But my favorite (and by favorite I mean most annoying ever) were the hordes of people vulturously descending on the gate as boarding began.
This is my biggest pet peeve. Ever. The flight attendant/organizer person makes it very clear that boarding will proceed in an orderly fashion, starting with first class. Then every single person in the waiting area gets up and runs to the gate, blocking the pathway to the ticket-checker person. The announcer comes on and asks people to back away from the gate until their section is called. Which makes them all smoosh in closer, as if one of those Tokyo subway monitor people is brandishing the big stick he uses to squeeze an infinite number of people onto the already-crowded subway car. Then some poor mom with two kids under five and at least six carry-ons (plus a stroller and a car seat) tries to get to the gate for pre-boarding for those who need assistance. A woman in a wheelchair isn't far behind. And instead of parting the crowd and helping these people out, instead, the passengers smoosh up to make a human Great Wall of China. The pre-boarders are stymied and are too polite (or too bewildered) to shove their way through. (I, personally, have no qualms about using my elbows to say, "Get the f* out of my way." With a sweet Midwestern smile, of course.) Then, when the announcer starts calling boarding groups, some dufus always walks up, immediately after each announcement, and asks, "Did you call section X yet?"
And finally, when general boarding begins, what happens? All hundred passengers herd like cattle into the gate area only to get bottlenecked into the ticket checker line. They push, they shove, they jockey for position. And for what? For the best seat on the plane? For some coveted overhead storage space? (And don't get me started on the stupid squandering of overhead space on coats and bags that will fit by your feet.) Does all the pushing and shoving and body-blocking get them what they want? What do they get in return? To wait some more on the jetway and then again in the aisles of the plane. What is wrong with people?
Worst of all: It wasn't even a full flight.
Isn't there supposed to be a high-speed rail program in the stimulus package? Maybe I oughta get some Amtrak frequent rider miles....
(Good thing the rest of the weekend was fun. See? We even practiced our Top Model moves!)
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